Ian Khadan

10 Tips on How to Raise & Interact with your Pet Dragon

1. Feed him Jalapeños. Developing his dragon breath is critical at this age, and when he is a thousand years old he’ll thank you for it.

2. When your boss asks for your yearly performance review, introduce him to your pet dragon; take them out for lunch by the beach. Your pet dragon will have the great white shark with a side of giant squid. Your boss might have lost his appetite and possibly control of his bladder. Though, you’ll find that he’s not such a bad guy once you get to know him outside of work.

3. Cuddle with your pet dragon. Endure each scale scraping the insides of your arms, each claw carving a trench in to your neck because you love him and he will fight your enemies inflicting the same sort of damage, times ten!

4. Dress your pet dragon with style. He likes fashion, likes to look good, likes to go out and party with the other dragons on Friday night maybe even drink a few volcanoes if he’s not flying home.

5. Watch Chuck Norris movies with your pet dragon, remind him that the final fight scene in “The Way of the Dragon” is blasphemous and that Chuck Norris is the only man that he should never try to eat.

6. When the desperate crack fiend stops you in the parking lot and asks what the chances are of you giving up your wallet, answer him; about the same chance you have of surviving this transaction with my pet dragon standing behind you.

7. If, perchance, your girlfriend gets jealous, citing that you care more about your stupid dragon than you do her, take her out to see the sunset at 10,000 ft. If still, she insists that you can’t even watch the sunset without your stupid dragon politely ask him to leave. Oh, how quickly she’ll learn to love him at around 9,000 ft.

8. Take your pet dragon to the zoo; you’ll get in for free. Have him practice his fireball attack on steak meat for the lions and unsuspecting turtles.

9. Puff the magic dragon with your pet dragon; assure him that he is not smoking another dragon.

10. Your pet dragon is an extension of yourself. Love him like binge eating and beer, Ms. Fields cookies, NASCAR, Harry Potter, apple picking, Saturday morning cartoons, and masturbation: hot, scaly, ‘this-is-my-twenty-second-time today’ kind of masturbation. He is your precious little monster, of which you may never see the likes of again.